Here & Now

You've become really good at two things lately...ignoring me and blowing me off.  I get that you are broke.  I get that you are stressed, but I don't see why I have to be the one who suffers.  I guess it's good because it's left me alone with my thoughts for a while now.  I'm not joking when I ask "What do I have to do to get you to spend time with me?"  I just don't know anymore.

I guess it's a good thing I started taking better care of myself.  Because I'm okay with becoming the old spinster with twenty cats.  Not that I will have twenty cats, but you get the idea.  I'm okay with being alone.  I don't know how you feel about that.  We don't talk anymore.  I have a hard time getting you to say more than three words to me in an average day.  I'm lucky if you answer my texts.  Half the time I want to ask if there is someone else, but I know that you will deny it.  I know you will answer me with half truths.  All I'm asking for is honesty.  I don't know if you're capable of being honest with me or honest with yourself for that matter.

I take solace in my crochet and knitting and movies and books.  At least there I can live a rich fantasy life that I don't really have.  I can laugh and cry and not at myself.  I can destress without worrying if it's going to hurt someone else.  I guess you could say I'm learning to love myself more.  I'm learning to live with myself.  I'm learning to accept my life for what it is.  The only person who can make it better or different is me.  It would be nice to have someone to share it with, but since you never seem to be around...I make do with what I have.  I change the things I can.  Yes, sometimes I get annoyed with the things I can't, but at least I am able to accept that there are some things in this world that I cannot change, as much as I want them to, it will never happen.

I'm still here.  I'm not lost, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you are.  I can't help you find yourself unless you let me.  Unless you want me to.  Lately it seems that you don't.  I don't know how you feel anymore.  Someday, I hope that you will have the strength and the courage to tell me.