Dreams & Nightmares

Sleep has been eluding me like the Horton Plains Slender Loris has been eluding scientists in the forests of Sri Lanka.  I guess one day, I might be able to sleep normally again, but then again, who knows.

The dream is always the same.  You are there.  Tender, loving, caring.  Treating me the way I want to be treated.  But then I wake up to this nightmare I call life at the moment and the heartache begins again.  I always thought not having you around would be hard, and it is.  But having moments of contact is even worse.  There are days when all I want to do is say I'm sorry, let's try to work this out.  But I don't think you're willing right now.  I don't know if you will ever be.  And then there are days when I feel played.  That you didn't really want me around to begin with.  That I was just something to occupy your time in your otherwise miserable life.  Time heals all wounds and I guess one day, so will mine be.

The hardest part of all this is not reaching out, being bored.  The loneliness I can handle.  The boredom, I cannot.  I'm finding it hard to sit still, not that that's anything new, but I'm restless.  I want to get out and have a good time, but there aren't many people I want to be around right now because all anyone ever does is ask about you, about what happened, about how I'm doing.  Yes, I'm still filled with this overwhelming sense of dread, of pain, but I will survive.  I always do.

No, I haven't been going out much lately.  What's the point?  Spend some time in a place with people I neither know or am comfortable with?  Not exactly my cup of tea, but then anyone who knows me knows that.  My days consist of work, piano on Tuesdays, Stitch 'N Bitch on Wednesdays and alone the rest of the time.  A movie here and there so that I don't go completely nuts sitting at home.  But mostly, I just knit and crochet and watch TV and think about the way things are and the way they could have been.  Yes, I have been seen out with a guy, but that doesn't mean anything.  He's just a friend who was in town visiting for a few days.  I haven't replaced you.  I currently have no intentions of doing so.  It may happen at some point, but I'm not looking for anything.  I need some time to heal and be alone with myself.  I almost wish you were jealous, but I don't think it would matter.  You would still be gone from my life.

I guess this isn't so much required reading anymore as I just want to check on you.  You still care, you still love me, you miss me.  I know all of these things, but you haven't done anything to try to makes things better, so for now, I am, as usual, alone.  Take from things what you will and leave everyone else to clean up the mess.  No, I'm not angry anymore, just sad and disappointed.  I thought that I would be the one to runaway, guess I was wrong.