Reminders

How do you deal with the death of a child?  I found out that a friend of mine's nephew died.  He was only two months old.  I don't have the words to express the sympathy for the grief I'm sure she and her entire family are feeling.  I wish that I was there with her to hug her and let her use my shoulder to cry on.  I wish there was something I could say to make it all better.  I know there's not and all I can do is be there for her when she needs me.  I guess it just goes to show that there are limitations to how easy it is to make everything alright. It must be nice to be the Head Bitch in Charge of the office.  To think that you have the right to push what you want to happen on everyone else just because you are the big boss's assistant.  To annoy people who are actually trying to get important work done just because you have nothing better to do.  So what if your day starts before you actually get out of bed and ends long after ours does - IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB.  Don't sit around the office all day with your loud ass, aggravating self, telling stories about your nieces and nephews and bitching because "someone didn't bring the mail up" or "people are too lazy to refill the paper towel holder."  I'm tired of listening to it and I think so is everyone else.  If you have a need that bad to hear the sound of your own voice, please I'm begging you, do it somewhere else.  I can't think with all the noise you make and I'm tired of listening to you.  Next time you start on one of your rants, I might become tempted to shove a knitting needle down your throat. I have been going to Stitch 'N Bitch every Wednesday night for the past couple of weeks, although I have to miss tonight because of a prior commitment.  I've found that I really like the women who are members of this one.  They are fun and intelligent and seem genuinely interested in getting to know other people and helping people learn how to knit.  A couple of weeks ago, we had a sock from the toe up class during S 'n B.  It's really kind of a neat thing because you can make two socks at one time and not worry about having to graft the toes together at the end.  They are even going to help me with my crocheted cardigan that I gave up on almost two years ago.  I'm hoping that with their help, I'll actually be able to finish it and wear it before the weather gets to cold and I'm stuck wearing my heavy coat all the time. So obviously I've really gotten into this knitting thing.  I know it's kind of crazy that since I already crochet I wanted to learn how to knit, but I find there are so many more things that you can do with knitting vs. crochet and about 200 times the number of knitting patterns than crochet.  And besides with knitting you only have to remember two things...knit and purl.  I think everyone knows what a fan I am of my crocheted hats, well I decided that I was going to try my hand at knitting a hat.  The first two didn't come out so great, but the third one was absolutely awesome.  I used the Ballard Slouch pattern off of Ravelry and some I Love This Yarn! in a really pretty purple/amethyst color.  It turned out wonderfully, expect that it is a little too big for my head.  The pattern called for what I would consider to be a light worsted yarn and the one I used leans more towards heavy worsted, but if that's all I can complain about, I'm not that upset.  I can't wait for the weather to cool off a little bit more so that I actually have an excuse to wear it! By this time next month, I will be returning from my trip to Boston.  I can't wait.  Six days of blissful silence, of not being anyone's slave.  Getting to see Nate and Anjeana is a plus as well.  Going to the yarn store.  I'm already drooling over some of the new yarns that are available.  I'm actually already planning on some of the yarns that I'm going to buy.  I'm noticing that most of my stash is fingering or sock or lightweight yarn.  I need to get some more worsted and heavyweight stuff.  Things that I can use for my swaps, things that I can use for presents.  Yes, I'm already planning for Christmas presents.  I hope that I will have enough time. Why is it when I'm not really hungry and then I eat, my stomach starts growling almost immediately?  I know I haven't been eating as much at meals, but I never walk away from the table hungry.  Maybe it's because I'm not eating breakfast as much.  I have grits and cereal at the office and sometimes I bring yougart or some fruit, but it seems like lately, everytime I eat my stomach starts growling.  It's like even though I'm not hungry I am.  Maybe it's just stress.  Work really sucks lately and I think that Karen's either going to quit or going to get fired because she just doesn't want to do what Madhu wants her to.  Louis has had his feelings hurt as well and is using us as pawns between him and Madhu.  They need to work it out.  For right now, I'm just going to do my job and make sure that everyone is in the loop, then no one can complain. In some ways, living at home with the crazy people I call my parents is a good thing, but in other ways it's not.  One thing that really drives me insane is when my father turns the TV on in the morning because he thinks I've slept too late.  It doesn't matter if it's a Saturday or a Sunday or a day that I have off, if he thinks I've been in bed too long, automatically the TV goes on.  And it's not like he turns the volume down low, it's a high as it always is.  He doesn't understand that since it's on the other side of my wall, even with the door closed, I can still hear it perfectly fine.  It's just like when you ask me a question and get mad when I don't know the answer.  I can tell you where to find it, but you expect me to know everything.  I'm sorry, I know a lot, but I don't know everything.  Don't get mad when I don't know.  If you're too lazy to look up the answer yourself, why'd you even bother to ask the damned question? In trolling the internet the past couple of weeks, I ran into a website that really struck a cord with me.  It's all about growing up with a narcissistic mother.  In reading some of the things on this website, it really struck a cord with me because it made me realize that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.  It's an interesting conculsion to come to because I don't think that she is 100% narcissistic all the time, but she is most of the time, especially when it comes to the scapegoat/golden child syndrome.  We all know which one I am in that equation.  There are a couple of websites about this issue.       http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/       http://www.somuchmorethanamom.com/ Here's just a piece of what they have to say about a narcissistic mother/parent:     There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers.      Narcisstic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward      to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality      they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only. More mirrors. They      have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have      children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use,      abuse and control them.      They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought      they were creating little “mini-me’s”. They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2,      these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities      and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom…watching our children      grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each      step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.      Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as      possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so over-      sensitive.” and “You’re overreacting.” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.      These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless      they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a      nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to shop for      clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for daycare, enroll them in      activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect      them from abuse.      They will smother and over-protect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. They      will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-      up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep them under her control      as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and over-protected, they will not feel confident to grow or      move further away from her.      They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to the children as early as      possible. They will insist that they pay for their own personal items and clothing as early as possible.      Older children will become responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilites      her children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect perfection and      constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation.      Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary      is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently towards their children in public than      they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrong-doing on their part and most likely blame their      children, completely re-writing history.      Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings      against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they      have a problem with one , they will talk to another about it.      They are jealous of their childrens’ successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how      great MY kids turned out”). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a      better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult      children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”, it reflects poorly on      them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus,      there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like      selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.      These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on      taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is      incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself.      She raised you to blame yourself for everything. It is, however, necessary to do so in order to insure that      this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation. It's amazing how much of this actually rings true about my own mother.  I've always believed that there was a special place in hell for her.  As much as I love her, I hate her too.  I guess that's why I try to be as far away from her as possible as often as possible. You just now noticed the lurker?  He's been there for a while now.  All I have to say is let him lurk.  Let him look, let him see.  But don't let him threaten.  Don't let hime change the path that we are on.  Let him lurk.  What's happening is between you and me.  Don't be afraid to do the things you've always done.  Stop leaving me out in the dark because you think that he might find out.  I'm tired of hiding from him.  I'm tired of being scared to say what I really feel, when I feel it and having to wait because of some sense of keeping ourselves safe or out of the spotlight.  And I'm really tired of not getting a response because you don't want him to know what you're feeling or what you're doing or who you're with.  I bet I'm the only one you do that do.  Because yes this centers around me.  But since I'm the one who has to deal with it, I guess I just have to accept the fact that you can't handle a little competition.  I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to stop doing the things I'm doing.  If the lurker thinks that by doing this, things will change, then he's wrong.  I've already told you how I feel and what's been going on with me.  I'm at peace with myself and I still love you and want to be with you.  End of story.  Picture taken.  I don't know how many time I have to say it until it actually sticks with you. And now for my last bit of rambling for the day...Trouble has been having chest pains recently.  Well, I say recently, but in reality it's been going on for about six months.  Apparently they thought she had lupus, but the test came back negative.  I think she's going through a lot of stress right now.  Her blood pressure is high and they've got her on medicine for that but she's still having chest pains.  I think that with the family stress and the house remodeling stress, she's just stressed.  Maybe she needs a vacation where she doesn't go to visit family and just has fun.  Either way, I am worried about her.  I like I said earlier, I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all go away, but we all know that's not possible. I would write more today, but I've just been informed that I have to clean my room so that my godfather can sleep there tonight.  Yes, I have to give up MY bed so that he can have a place to sleep.  What's funny is that I have this sneaking suspicion that he's not going to show up, but then again, I have been wrong about these things before...