New Beginning?

I had this laundry list of things that I was going to write about, until last night.  I realized that most of it is just trivial day to day bullshit that doesn't matter in the slightest.  What I need to focus on is getting back to you and me.  To two years ago, when things were good.  Before the rules changed, before we both did things to destroy what we had.

In the beginning, you gave to much of yourself and I did not give enough - just the bare minimum.  And now, I think those roles have been reversed.  I am putting myself out there for you to judge and hoping that things turn out for the best.  And judge me, you have.  I can't seem to escape a conversation with you unscathed.  It's amazing that I haven't crept back into myself yet or just completely crumbled under the pressure you have put me under.  You say you have me on a pedestal, that you look up to me because you're not at my level.  Sometimes I feel like I am just a bug under your boot heel, an annoyance that you just deal with because I'm there.  Often times, I feel like I can't do anything right according to you.  It brings me back to my childhood when I always felt that way.  So yes when you're talking about how you can hear me outside or how I'm trying to one up someone, I'm not going to respond because I feel like I'm two inches tall, like I'm sitting there listen to my parents berate me for something I did.  It sends me into a tailspin and makes me want to crawl under a rock and disappear - and I don't mean the kind of disappear where I'll get over it in a few days and show my face when the dust has cleared.  I want to disappear forever that way I can never hurt anyone again or do whatever it is that I did wrong to anyone else.  It's much easier for me to deal with things in the moment than after the fact.  It almost sounds like one of those New Orleans ideas where change has to happen instantly or not at all.

No, I don't tell you when you do things wrong or when you do things that piss me off or upset me.  I got so used to hearing what I was doing wrong and anytime I made a comment about someone else's actions, it just got me into more trouble.  I learned to keep my mouth shut and not say anything.  I was never allowed the free expression you seem to want me to have.  In many ways, I'm still not allowed that expression.  I've learned to pour all of my frustrations into my creative outlets and pull them into myself.  And even if I do bring something up, your response is always "Point Taken" or "Sorry, I'll make more of an effort," but nothing ever happens.  It's like you're playing me lip service because you don't know what else to do.  I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but I will say that actions speak louder than words and your actions have not been very confidence inspiring.

I know I'm not perfect.  Hell, I don't even think I know as much as you think I know.  Yes, I'm great at remembering inconsequential details, small facts, at understanding the bigger picture, complex mathematics and science, but I have no where near your understanding of the practical aspects of how things work or how to make them work.  Just those two differences are part of the reason you and I are so good together.  We are constantly playing off each other - moods, emotions, expressions, words.  We make each other smile and laugh.  We drive each other crazy.  We have a passion for things and each other most people never get to experience.  But every time you tell me you hate me, it breaks my heart because I know you mean it.  I understand and accept hate a lot more than love.

I don't know if I will ever be able to accept a compliment or believe that one given is true and sincere.  When was the last time you heard someone give me a compliment, besides you?  Have you ever heard a compliment being giving in my house?  To me?  Yes, you say my father is proud of me.  Has he ever really done anything to show it?  Has he ever protected me against my mother?  Has my mother ever given me a compliment?  We all know the answer to that.  I'm never complimented.  I'm given the bare minimum of praise.  Most of the time, they find fault with me.  When I cook something, I'm not told that they liked it, instead, I'm told what they didn't like about it.  Even when there really isn't anything wrong with the dish, they are able to find some kind of fault with it.  My haircut - everyday I get told how horrible it is.  How it looks harsh.  Now I'm even being told that my hairdresser doesn't want to cut it that way because she doesn't think it's flattering.  Not that she has ever said that to me - Mom is the one who tells me.  She's been cutting my hair this way for almost three years.  She has even said she would like to cut Mom's hair like this.  Does that sound like someone who doesn't like my haircut?  No, it's Mom who doesn't and she's trying to use every avenue she can to get me to change it.  And the worst part is...it's working.  I'm beginning to doubt myself, to doubt my actions, my haircut, my thoughts.  I need positive reinforcement from someone, even if I don't acknowledge it.  Even if all I do is give you a half smile.  Compliments make me uncomfortable because even if I say "Thank You," I don't feel like I deserve whatever was said.  I don't think I'm good enough.  I know that's surprising considering the high level of self confidence I seem to have.  Guess what - it's all a show.  Deep down, I have very low self esteem.  Years of being beaten down will do that to you.  Yes I can stand up for myself when necessary, but most of the time, I would rather just keep the peace a be a doormat.  I'm almost afraid of what I would be like if I wasn't

I'm feeling a little blue because of all of this.  I'm scared that no matter what I do, you're always going to have doubts.  Yes, I can be mean and overbearing, but at the same time, I'm just as scared as you.  I don' t know what the future holds.  What I do know is that for that last three years I've imagined my future with you.  And I can't imagine a future without you.  If I can't have you then I don't want anyone else.  I will be content to become the crazy cat lady (or dog lady) and live the rest of my days alone.  I don't expect you to understand half of this.  I don't know if you want to.  I'm sad.  I feel like crying, but I have to keep my composure because I'm not one to share and I try not to bring my personal life to the office.  You hurt my feelings last night.  I'm still trying to digest everything (or at least what I can remember) that was said.  I feel like you've taken the last sliver of hope that I had a ripped it away like you would a band-aid so it will hurt less.  It doesn't.  I know relationships are hard and ours is one that needs a lot of work.  Things will be said that will hurt both of us but in the end, we will come out victorious as long as we do it together.