Open Doors & Windows

I meant what I said.  I would like to see you sometime.  As much as I think I should, I haven't closed the door on us.  We have the potential to make it work, we just have to figure out how.  I haven't had a single day where I don't think about you, what you're doing, who you're with, how you are.  I have to fight the urge to call you, to check on you.  I want to try to work things out.  There is no easy reset button.  We have to take the time and make the effort to work it out.  This has been the hardest thing I've gone through in a long time.  I once told Candace that without you, I would be a shell.  I wouldn't be able to be the person everyone knows.  I would walk around, going through the motions, but not really living life.  I would be lost.  And I am.  Yes, I've made new friends, found new people to hang out with, found old friends to fill the void, but everyone notices that I'm not the same.  There's something missing from me.  They notice the hole in my heart.  I don't know how to fill it.  I don't want to.  We have too much together to have to live like this.

Sometimes I think I show a good face.  I put on a smile and pretend that everything is fine, that I'm not to the point of losing all control over myself and my actions.  I may be able to lie to those around me, but I can't continue to lie to myself anymore.  I can't not be with you.  I can't not be around you.  I can't continue this tip-toe walk that we are doing around each other.  Something's got to give.  Something's got to change.  Everytime I drive by and see your car, I think, yeah, I should stop in.  I should throw something, anything in his face.  My stomach does sumersaults.  I heart beats 90 miles a minute.  My head says, I'm not ready for this.  There is still so much anger in my heart.  I am still really hurt.  I don't know if I can handle this.  I can't handle not having you around.  I ache for you in ways I didn't know were possible.  No, it's not about sex.  It never was.  Don't get me wrong, the sex was always good between us, but there was something else.  Do you know why I love you?  It's not because your beautiful to look at or because you have a wonderful smile.  I love you for your sense of humor, the way you see the world.  I love that you are passionate about cars and motorcycles, things that I have no understanding of.  I love your "joi de vivre," your lust for good food and music.  I love being around you when you're fun loving.  I want to take away the pain and the stress when you're not.  But at the same time, I do want you to drop everything for me when I really need you.  I often pretend that I'm OK when I'm really not.  I hide from the pain or the hurt or whatever emotion I'm feeling.

I don't know how I feel about your apology.  I wish that you would say it to me.  I know, again I'm being hypocritical, but it would mean so much more if I heard it from you rather than read it.  I'm glad that you've had some revelations about me and about how I am.  Or should I say who I am?  Does it change anything?  I know you don't know how to deal with me, what to say or what to do.  I'm asking you to try though.  You like it when I smile.  I smile more when you're around than when you're not.  Yes, I left last night wanting more, wanting answers, wanting to know where we stand, where we're going.  But I left things hanging in the air.  I can't control you or how things proceed.  I can only control my responses, my actions.  Yes, I wanted you to hug me.  Yes I wanted to kiss you and soothe you, tell you everything is going to be alright, but I held back.  I'm holding you at arm's length.  I told you that, but you probably realized that already.  I'm hoping that one day, I won't have to.  I'm hoping that one day I can let you back in.

I need a break from the insanity that surrounds me.  I'm about to lose what little sanity I have left.  I'm struggling to keep control over what I can, but right now, I'm seriously considering just saying "Fuck it All," and letting everything go to shit.  I am constantly surrounded by people who either cannot or will not take a minute to step back and look at the impact their actions are having on those around them.  I'm tired of listening to my parents fight.  I'm tired of the passive aggressive bullshit that both of them are pulling.  I'm tired of the doors being slammed, the dishes being throw, the stomping, the huffing, the puffing.  For fuck's sake, I just wish they would either kill each other or get a divorce and get it over with.  I'm just plain sick of this.  And to make matters worse, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it because no one really understands.  The comments are always, you don't know how it is or after a while, you get used to being with someone.  I say screw that.  If you can't talk to the person you're with about what's going on or how you're feeling than why be with them?  I know it sounds really hypocritical, but I have my own reasons for staying closed off.  I've already explained those, so I don't feel the need to explain them again.  I can't wait to go to Boston in October.  Six days of peace and quiet.  Six days away from the insanity.  If only I can hold on until then.