A Lost Day

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" - Marcellus, "Hamlet," William Shakespeare

This morning I woke up and I thought, it seems like things are getting back to normal.  I feel fine.  I'm not hurting as much.  I'm almost back to where I was when we first met.  Maybe I'm not as lost as I thought I was.  I can do this.  I can make it through.  But then sometime around lunch, I realized I was just fooling myself.  I have this gaping hole in my heart.  All I want to do is hear the sound of your voice, feel your arms wrap around me, just be in your presence.  The silence is killing me.  I can't stand this.  I want to pick up the phone and call you.  Ask you to do something, spend some time together.  But I don't.  I think I'm afraid of the answer.  I'm afraid of losing you again.  Ironic isn't it, consider I walked out this time?  But it seemed like that was what you wanted, what I needed.  And now I'm questioning that decision.  And I'm losing my sense of balance.  All is not right in the world, but I don't know what to do to make it right.  I leave the ball in your court.  I will not force a decision upon you that you aren't ready for.

Going to Stitch 'N Bitch has been a good experience for me.  I'm meeting new people who are both knitters and crocheters and expanding my skills.  I'm also meeting people that are different from me - a stay at home mom, an International student from India, an Opera Singer, a Hippie, a Social Worker - all very interesting, intelligent and intriguing women.  And of course, I'm the only native New Orleanean, so they are interested in me too.  With them I've been working on all the things that you said I do, interrupting, belittling, etc.  I'm trying to be an active part of the conversation without dominating it.  So far I think I've been doing a pretty good job, especially since they keep inviting me back and to do other things.  Through them I'm going to learn how to spin and make two socks on one pair of double pointed needles.  I think this has been a good thing for me.  I hope that it continues to prove to be so.

I seem to be stuck ina vicious cycle.  I managed to overdraw my checking account again, and this time, I don't get paid until Tuesday.  Oh well, guess that means I'll be sitting home alone this weekend.  I have to be very careful from here on out not to spend more than I am bringing in.  I don't understand why all of a sudden, when things are just starting to look up, this happens.  It always seems to work that way.  I was very good at making sure I had enough money until I got paid, until you and I parted ways.  It's not a correlation, but it is a parallel.  Now that I'm not spending as much time in the bar, I'm going out to lunch more and buying more yarn, so I'm spending, just not in the same places.  It's time for me to go back on a strict budget.  I have done it before, and I can do it again.  At least mom and dad can't see how much I've overdrawn the account.  I'm glad for small miracles.

Speaking of mom and dad, I can't seem to do anything to please them.  I start back at piano next Friday.  I haven't practiced in about a week because whenever I practice and dad's around, I get yelled at that he can't hear the TV.  To me that's ridiculous because I would think that listening to classical music for thirty to forty-five mintues a day would be a good break from whatever mundane TV he's watching, but NO, that's not the case.  I really wish he would get a job so that he wouldn't be grumpy and depressed all the time.  Mom's a completely different story.  She's yelling at me for not practicing.  I've tried to explain to her my issue, but she thinks differently.  It's kind of hard to practice when you have to keep playing louder and louder just so you can hear the notes over the noise of the TV.  I want to tell her to Shut The Fuck Up, it's not her money I'm spending.  Ah well, I will go practice once I post this.

The thing that really sucks about all this is that I am still having fantasies about you.  I haven't been able to masterbate without an image of you coming into my head.  I get off thinking about the things that I want you to do to me.  I would post them here, but I think that would be an extremely bad idea.  I think that part of the problem with our relationship is that it was centered around sex first and the dynamics of you and I second.  It's something that I don't think either one of us was really aware of until it was almost too late.  By that time, you had given up and I didn't know how to try to make things work.  I have an understanding of that now.  I sincerely hope you do too.  Only time will tell.

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" - MacBeth, "MacBeth," William Shakespeare