Demons

So as I left the office today, all I could think of was how much I had done you wrong. Yes, I have done you a lot of wrong, but remember you have done the same to me. I'm not playing tit for tat here, but there were times when you would make plans with me and not show up without even calling to let me know. I can think of a few examples.



I am truly sorry I didn't tell you about Brian in the beginning. I am a very private person, some people would call me cold. It's not that I don't care about people. I'm just not a person who wants to make friends with every Tom, Dick and Sally. I can't help it that your job is in a bar and you have to smile and acknowledge everyone who walks through the door. I had a job like that. I don't anymore. I come in to see you because for the last year, that's the only time I get to spend with you. I cannot help that your real job sucks. I can only try to make your life a little bit better.



I made the first step today in writing down the thing that hurt me most. The second was putting it out there for all to see. The third was a phone call. To his sister. I talked to her for almost an hour. I cried. She cried. I got to hear her son's laugh. Apparently he looks very much like the one I lost. I didn't know this but apparently right before he died, they had been talking. Being in Iraq had made him think about the choices he made in life and how they had affected him. She read me an e-mail he had written her about a week before he died. I won't go into the gory details, but suffice it to say that one of his final wishes was that those who knew him be happy. I guess he's not happy with me at the moment. He's right. Why shouldn't I be happy? Why shouldn't I be living my life? I can make my own decisions. I can make my own choices, just like everyone does everyday of every year. I cannot snap my fingers and instantly be happy but at least I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That if I work hard enough what I want will be.