Piece of Mind

» Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a map for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project. - Anne Grant

This is the first thing that was said to me this morning, granted it was e-mailed but still.  It's the first thing that actually made me stop and think today.  I find it unusually appropriate.  I am undergoing a major project.  Today is Day 2 of Operation Save Myself or whatever I named it yesterday.  And no it's not a joke.  I have to save myself before I end up doing something and killing myself (figuratively, not literally).  I do not have the strength to continue as a shell.

I don't feel much like writing today, but I know I have to.  I can't keep everything bottled up inside.  But I don't want this to turn into a daily log of my activities.  And I don't want it to be just a stream of consciousness about my feelings.  I need to find a good balance.

The day started off pretty good.  I woke up feeling like a huge burden of guilt had been lifted off my shoulders.  It was strange.  I can't explain it.  Maybe it's just the fact that I finally opened up to someone, anyone about my past.  About why I suck at relationships.  I'm starting to feel this strange sense of peace about what happened between Brian and I.  It's almost as if he's stopped haunting my thoughts.  Or maybe I've just stopped letting him.  I always felt guilty about not delving more into why he couldn't talk to me about joining the military.  No, I didn't understand then, nor do I understand now.  I accept that it was something that he felt he had to do, and if he felt it was for a noble cause than more power to him.  I wish he was here so I could tell him that.  I have to stop beating myself over it.  It was his fucking decision not mine.  He would want me to move on.  I'm finding that I don't miss him as much as I thought I would.  He's been gone long enough that it's almost like the memory has faded.  I'm ok with that.  Memories and feelings change over time.  Doesn't mean that I will ever stop caring or loving him.  It just means that now I can give myself fully to someone else.  I'm not completely over my grief, and I know that there will be days when I will wish he was here and days when I won't think about him.  But at least now I can start to heal.

I'm not going to come running to you anymore.  I think this time apart has been good.  I don't want it to be indefinite, but I think that we both needed some space to clear our heads and think about what we want from each other and together as a whole.  You keep saying this isn't about us, but in a way it is.  My heart hurts every time I think about the possibility of losing you.  About the possibility of you walking away.  I don't want to be happy with anyone else.  I want to be happy with you.  Things will get better between us.  We will be friends again like we were before, and the rest will come naturally.  I have faith in you and in me.  Today, when you told me you loved me, I knew you meant it.  I can't continue to relive the past wrongs we have done to each other and can only begin again.  Rebuild the trust, rebuild the present and look forward to the future.

I'm going to do something tonight that I would never normally do.  I'm going to go to a Stitch 'N Bitch meeting.  I'm not the type of person to talk to strangers.  I know, as friendly as I can be, I don't like putting myself out there.  I figure that by starting off small, with a few women who also knit and crochet, I can ease into things.  Maybe that way when people are around me, they won't feel so put off by me.  I know I can be a bitch, especially to people I don't know or like.  I need to get better at being more personable.  To those I'm close to, I'm the most giving person.  I would give you the shirt off my back and not blink twice about it if I knew it would help you get to a better place.  I know that's a contradiction and that most people think that you can't be a contradiction, but I am.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm tired of looking for approval from people who will never give it to me.  If I start smiling now, then maybe people will begin to think that I'm ok to be around.

Anyway, my ass hurts from walking and my brain hurts from thinking.  I'm going to eat dinner and join the other women.  I'll let you know how it went tomorrow.