Exhaustion, Plain and Simple

I'm exhausted.  My mind is going a thousand miles and minute and my body can't keep up.

I can't see for shit, especially with my eyes dilated the way they are.  I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day.  At least I don't have to go and spend $200 on glasses.  Apparently my old prescription was wrong.  The glasses should have been readers, but they were more for distance.  Which I find funny because they really didn't help me at all in either direction.  The opthamologist told me to go out and buy a pair of readers.  I'm going to order some on the internet (like 4 pairs for) for less than what I would pay for them otherwise.  He also said something to me that I found kind of sexist.  I have an issue with dry eye and he said it's because I'm a female.  I had to get him to explain that one before I opened my mouth and got really pissed off.  Women seem to suffer from dry eye more than men.  It's just a fact of life and biology.  I can't get too mad at him for that.  He also said that I can wear the glasses all the time.  That it wouldn't affect how I see when I'm driving.  So I'm probably going to get a pair of sunglasses too.  A big, bug-eye, Jackie-O pair.

I changed my profile picture to the hottest guy in the NFL.  Jeremy Shockey of the NEW OREANS SAINTS.   I like the tatoos and the built body.  Not so much a fan of the bleach blonde hair, but that's OK.  He gives the team a great attitude and will hopefully be well enough to play in the Superbowl on February 7th!  WHO DAT!!!  So no, I did not have plastic surgery, nor did I start taking steroids.  I just think he's a hottie.

I'm so afraid to say anything to you anymore.  I don't want every word coming out of my mouth to be a possible slap in the face.  I'm not trying to say things to hurt you.  I'm trying not to analyze everything that you say to me.  I'm trying to work through my feelings and my thoughts and sometimes, I have to ask hurtful questions.  Sometimes I will ask questions that you think I should know the answer too.  Sometimes I just need reassurance because I'm feeling down or unloved or lost.  Don't take these personally.

I never made it to my Stitch 'N Bitch last night.  By the time dinner was finally finished, it was 7:30 pm  I was a little annoyed last night, but to be perfectly honest, there was nothing I could do about it, unless I wanted to eat dinner at 10pm.  I was starving and utterly exhausted, so I sat in the sitting room and looked at afghan patterns.  I'm determined to finally finish a Granny Square afghan.  I found one I really like, now I just need to find what color yarn I'm going to use for it.  I always do afghans in acrylic because they wear well and they're washable.  I'm going to use Hobby Lobby's I Love This Yarn.  I just have to decide if I want to use the colors that the pattern calls for or colors that might match some distant decorating scheme that I may or may not have.  Either way, I'm looking forward to starting a new project.

I'm surprised at how much less it hurts each day.  I think that I had already gone through the hurt and the anger and now I just have to come to accept it.  I'm sure there's a step in there that I missed but I'm not going to think too much about it.

Today during my walk it was nice.  There was a crisp breeze and the sun was sitting low in the sky.  The only thing that annoyed me was that every rooster (because yes there are roosters in the park) crowed at me when I walked by.  I don't know if they were cheering me on or what.  I was kind of strange.  I guess I got them back by laughing when the feral cats started chasing them.

Tonight is Vampire Diaries and then out of the house.  I spoke my mind earlier and really don't care whether they liked what I had to say or not.  I'm an adult.  I can make my own decisions.  I refuse to become like them.

OK now for my rant.  I'm a little fucking pissed off.  Today my mother asked me if I would start buying my own medicines like aspirin, zyrtec and the likes because she's really strapped and can't afford to buy that kind of stuff for me.  I wanted to bitch slap her.  She can't afford to buy that kind of stuff for me but she can afford to pay my sister's $3000 a month rent so that she has a space to operate her store?  WTF?!?!?!  I just can't compete with that.  I give up.  Dad can say he's retired even though they can't afford for him to be, and she can give her money away, but I'm expected to take care of myself.  I offered to pay them rent but they wouldn't take it.  I can't win for trying.  Oh well.  I just need to breathe and relax and take things for what they are.  Life isn't fair and I've gotten the short end of the stick in my family.