Another Lonely Day

I keep hoping that you will call or write or show your face somewhere.  I keep checking my phone and my e-mail, wishing, hoping, but knowing that it won't happen.  I'm trying to keep my mind busy with work, yarn, movies, whatever will keep it away from you and the tears and the sadness I am feeling.  I cannot wallow in this.  I must be strong.  I keep wanting this to be over, for us to be wherever it is we're supposed to be.  Patience has never been one of my strong suits.  I know that I MUST be patient.  I cannot speed this recovery if I ever hope for it to actually stick.  I need time to grieve, even though I just want to be done, for us to be OK.

Yes, I spent the weekend hanging out with Drew.  It was nice to not be worried about what you were going to think, whether or not you were going to be jealous.  I was also able to relax.  But on some level, I'm almost afraid that Drew does want to have a relationship again.  There were several comments made that made me a little uncomfortable, even though I reiterated to him that I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship with him.  I think that maybe I need to step away from that situation as well for a little bit.  We did go to Red Fish Grill for dinner on his birthday.  It was just the two of us, which was kind of odd and the food was absolutely terrible.  I didn't think a Brennan restaurant could be that bad.  Of course, having been to some of the finer restaurants in the city, I guess I'm allowed to say that.  After we left dinner, we got caught in one of the typical New Orleans sudden, drenching rain showers.  We ran back to the car and laughed about it the whole time.  I can't remember the last time I got caught in the rain, but with the amount of rain we've been having, I've had this strange urge to play in it.  I don't know if it's because I'm trying to find my inner child or just because it shows a level of freedom I haven't felt in a long while.

I'm supposed to get not one, but two swap packages this week.  One for the "Night at the Movies" Swap and one for the "Ravelry Favorites #2" Swap.  I can't wait to see what my spoilees have in store for me.  The girl from Washington made me a shawl that is red, mottled.  I can't wait to get my hands on it.  It looks absolutely yummy and gorgeous.  One of the girls is from Boston but living in Leesville and I'm really hoping that she will come to visit and I will get to meet her in person later on in the year. 

I've been doing a lot of swaps lately.  I think by having projects to concentrate and commit to, it helps to keep me a little bit more centered and sane than if I didn't have anything to do.  Staying home is killing me because I'm not exactly a homebody, but I'm not exactly keen on doing things alone.  I don't think now is the time to go out and meet people.  I'd probably just end up being Debbie Downer.  I wish my friends lived closer to me.  I know that they're always just a phone call away, but that isn't the same as them being here.  At least if they were here, I would have someone to give me a hug.  I think that's what's killing me the most.  There is no one here, no comfort here, no physical contact with anyone.  I haven't touched a single person today.  Not one, even though I've been in contact with people all day.  I need to be touched, to feel that contact, to be a part of this world.

Yes, I still want you.  I dont think I will ever stop wanting you.  Sitting at the office today, all I could think about was feeling your hands on me.  Feeling you touch my skin.  And it wasn't just about the sexual nature of what I wanted.  It was about the physical nature of feeling close to someone.  You were the last person who gave that to me.  For the last three years, you've been the person who has given that to me, even though for the last six months, it's been missing.  And I guess now my mission is to find it again.  I hope that it will be with you, but I have a feeling that everyday that goes by where we don't speak is just going to make it that much harder to make it work.  That much more resentment and anger we will feel towards each other.

Of all things that could make me cry, last night I was watching "The Sixth Sense" and the scene at the end where Bruce Willis is telling his wife good-bye made me bawl like a little baby.  You would think that 1) having already seen the movie and 2) knowing that it was coming, I would have been OK, but no, I'm so freaking emotional right now with everything that's going on that with one small, touching scene, I turn into mush.  These new birth control pills are really doing a number on me.  I've got hives, my stomach won't cooperate with food and I'm hyper-emotional.  No I'm not pregnant.  You have to have sex to get pregnant and despite what happened last week and the week before, there is no chance of a crotchfruit happening.  It's just that the stronger hormones in the new birth control will take longer to level out in my body, so I will be like this probably for the next three months or so.  Which means I'll finally start to feel normal around the holidays, just in time to get the sadness again about not having you or someone in my life.  Great just one more things to screw up my already miserable existence.

I found a new scarf pattern that I really like.  It's kind of cool because it's like shells.  I'm going to make one for a girl in France who is one of my swap partners and then I think I might make one for myself.  I'm using some Baby Alpaca yarn by Plymouth for the one I'm sending off and then I will make one out of one of the Knit Picks yarns I have for myself.  I also have to make the orange shawl for Valerie for Christmas. At least I have a lot of yarn and a lot of projects scheduled.

Weekends have been hardest for me.  I don't have a usual 9 to 5 routine on Saturday and Sunday.  I can only spend so much time with my parents.  By Saturday night, I'm bored out of my mind and as I said earlier, I don't like going out on my own and I'm not at a point when I can go out and meet people.  At least this weekend, I have Tala to keep me busy and entertain me.  One day at a time.  One day at a time.