Quiet Reflecions

I don’t know what to do about us. When you’re drunk, you tell me you want to work things out, but when you’re sober, you act like you have to walk on eggshells around me.


I’m willing to try if you are, but you have to put in the effort. This cannot be one sided. Do you have to be drunk to be with me? I fear that you are falling into the belly of the beast and that has me worried. You claim to not be drinking as much, but your behavior says otherwise. Saturday night you toilet papered someone’s house. Sunday you were so drunk, I had to drive you home. Tuesday…I’m not even sure about. Friday night, you fell asleep in your chair on top of everything that was sitting on it.

My rules are simple. There will be no Debs, no Caras. It is just you and me. It's all or nothing.  There will be no friendship, no friends with benefits, without the ups and downs of a committed relationship.  You can do whatever you want, just let me know. I’m not trying to be your mother, but I do care about you and I do worry. Treat me with dignity and respect. I’m not going to come running when you call if you don’t. Ask me to join you for outings.  Don't make me the one who always has to do the persuing.

I know I can be extremely uptight. It’s hard for me not to be. No, I don’t realize how proud my father is of me or how much he loves me. It would be nice if you reminded me once in a while. Despite what you keep saying, I actually am a good listener. Sometimes, you just don’t say things in the right way. It can be hard to decipher what you’re trying to get at when you’re beating around the bush instead of coming out and saying it. I’m still clueless about the belittling issue. I don’t understand it at all. If everyone felt that way, I wouldn’t have any friends. I would be completely alone. I guess in a way, I am, but I do have people to lean on who support me that aren’t my parents.

I’m looking for a partner. Someone who I can share my joys and sorrows and triumphs with and who will do the same with me. Are you capable of that? Can you do that for me? I know that I can do it for you if you would let me. If you would let me in. You’ve kept me at an arm’s length for so long. Help me get back in the inner sanctum.

I left Friday night because it seems like I wasn’t wanted. I asked you to do something with me and instead you chose to get drunk with you friends. Yes, I am hurt. This is how you’ve been treating me for months. I’m struggling to fix whatever is wrong and you aren’t even giving me the benefit of the doubt. You haven’t even noticed. I’m working on my jealousy issues. I’m trying not to put my two cents in every time someone says something even if I know it to be wrong. Give me a chance. I’m willing to compromise with you. I’m trying to become a better person. I don’t think you’re seeing that.

You say you care about me, but all you keep seeing is the negative. You can’t seem to get past that. You aren’t paying attention because you’re too wrapped up in yourself. Yes, you can be a very selfish mother-fucker, but so can I. When it comes to you, I would give you the world if I could. Can you say the same thing about me? You say you want me to be happy. Don’t you realize that you make me happy? Yes, there are times when you annoy the shit out of me. When I want to kill you, when I hate you. I especially hate you because you are the first person I have truly cared about since Brian. You can count yourself among three people who will always have my heart, completely. I would give it to you on a silver platter if I could.

I love you so much. When I think about how much I loved Brian, I realize that it doesn’t compare to how much I love you. My heart didn’t ache for him the way it does for you. Do I wish I could have him back? Of course, but I know now that what he and I had wasn’t anything compared to what you and I have. I would do anything for you.

I want us to work. I want to be together in twenty years. I know that there will be good times and there will be bad times, but I’m willing to stick by you no matter what. I hope you are willing to do the same. I do love you. Just the way you are. I’m not trying to change you. Yes, I may make comments about how much I hate your shoes or what you’re reading, but that’s just me. It doesn’t mean I want you to stop doing the things that make you who you are. It doesn’t mean that I won’t be with you because of them.

Can you say the same about me? Are you willing to take a shot at us again? Are you willing to put forth the effort and try? I always thought the old adage “Drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” was true but because of you, I’m starting to question it.