Moving On

I took down all the pictures, the loving cards, the little things from you and put them in a box yesterday.  I have to clear you completely from my life.  Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.  While I was putting things away, I was reminiscing about the good times we had.  About the smiles I saw in the pictures and knowing that they were real.  Missing the way we were.  Missing the person I fell in love with.  But at the same time I often wonder about if absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.

For the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to get out of bed today.  I didn't want to pull the sheets over my head and pretend that nothing was wrong, that nothing had happened.  I recognize that I must continue to do the things that make me happy, that make me whole, even though the one thing that I want most isn't there.  I have been trying to keep myself busy.  Keep myself from thinking about what is really going on.  Keep myself from going insane and over analyzing  everything.  At least this week, I know I won't have a moment to stop until Thursday at the earliest.

I don't know if there is anything left of "us" to be salvaged.  I am not an unreasonable person, although lately when it comes to you, I seem to be losing my sanity.  Something about you lately has made me snap.  Has made me forget what it's like to be a calm, rational, productive member of society.  I usually don't act like I've been acting unless something (words, actions, etc.) pushes me over the edge.  Then it's no holds barred, guns blazing, shoot first ask questions later.  I think for the first time in a quite a while, I'm the one with the power.  I'm the one who gets to make the decision about how things will progress.  I'm the one who has taken emotions out of the equation and is thinking with their head.  And don't think for a second that the emotions aren't there.  I've just suppressed them to a point where I can hear myself think, so that you weren't pushing your way into my thoughts.

I never checked out of us.  I checked out of myself.  I was so wrapped up in you, in us that I forgot who I was, what my goals were.  I lost myself.  I have to find myself again.  I can't do it with you around.  I know that this is hard for both of us.  No, we don't have to be friends.  I don't need you to be my friend.  You need me to be your friend.  That sounds bitchy, but it's the truth.  I don't know if it's because you need my friendship to know that everything that's happened is OK.  It's not OK.  It will never be OK.  In order for us to have any kind of relationship, it's going to take a lot of work.  It's going to take a lot of effort on both our parts.  It won't be an easy road.  It won't be an easy time.  It can't happen right now.  There are too many things about us that aren't working.  You're right when we're good, we're good, but when we're bad, it's really bad.  I think, I hope we both realize that.

It's never too late to say what needs to be said.  It all depends on whether the party doing the listening is willing to hear it.  On some level, I want to know what it is you have to say.  On another, I really don't care.  I don't know if I'm willing to hear what it is you have to say.  I don't know if it will make any difference in the way I feel.  Everyday my heart hardens a little bit more.  It begins to hurt a little bit less.  I'm afraid that in the end I'm just going to be closed off to everyone.

I have more to say, but right now I can't remember what it is.  I've lost my train of thought.  I'm going to go work on a crocheted scarf and then I'm going to go to be.  Hopefully I will remember in the morning.

Being a crabby bitch is part of my charm.  If you don't like that or appreciate that, then you don't belong in my world.