Hallucinations

I think after last night, I'm going to stop drinking regularly.  The dreams I had last night seemed to be one giant interconnected alcohol induced hallucination.

It started out with me getting home to find one of my sister's friends from high school in the house.  I'm laying down in bed and all of a sudden there are 3 Poison Dart Frogs the size of huge American Bullfrogs.  Of course, I have to ask why there are frogs in the house.  It's not uncommon for them to be outside in the pond, but not actually in the house.  Mom's response is "Oh we have roaches, so I called Eddie to bring his frogs over to eat them."  Of course, this didn't surprise me at all because we all know how crazy my mother is.

The next dream was really weird.  I was driving down Carrollton Ave. with Tara in the car.  I went to make a turn and got hit by a guy driving a van/truck (it was like one of those mobile food mobiles) who was driving the wrong way down Carrollton.  My radiator's busted, but I keep driving anyway.  I stop when I see a policeman and flag him down.  He says "Let's go chase after him," and we all jump in the squad car and drive to see if we can find this guy.  Somehow we end up at one of your job sites...it's one that has several stories and stairs.  I start talking to you and realize that one floor below I can see the guy who hit me and he's stealing stuff or doing something illegal.  So I go and get the cop and by this time, he is in full riot gear with an AK-47.  In his hand is a list that has names on it.  I surmise that he is going to kill me, so I start running.  That's when I woke up.

I don't know what I was smoking last night, but Paul must have put something in my Dark & Stormy because I swear, I am either losing my mind or having hallucinations.  I haven't had dreams this vivid that I could recall in a long time, which I guess is a good thing, but at the same time damnit, I really just want to get some sleep.  I haven't slept well since Sunday.  I spent most of Sunday night tossing and turning.  Then Monday night, I didn't get home until late (normally I'm so tired after class, that all I want to do is go home, but since I didn't have class...) and I dreamed of Guido.  And then there was last night.  I kept waking up and tossing and turning and when I did sleep, I had fucked up dreams.  I don't know.  Maybe my brain is finally starting to work again.  Then again, maybe it just goes to show how fucked up I really am.

It was good to talk to you last night.  I know that in working this out, we're both going to have knee jerk reactions and there are going to be easy times and good times and hard times and bad times.  I have to be more patient with you.  I understand the baby steps.  I can't promise there won't be times where we're both frustrated with each other.  I think part of our problem right now is our frustration with our situation.  That we don't have all the time together that we would like, that we don't have a place where we can go to be alone.  And we will have to agree to disagree about certain things.  I don't believe I suffer from MPD as you put it.  I think that there are just certain times when I go with the feeling and forget the events.  I know that's hard for you to understand, but that's just how I am.  I remember more when I shut her off - completely.  But then I worry that things won't be as enjoyable.  In the long run, I would rather enjoy the moment and be reminded of it later than remember the moment and not enjoy it.  I know it's a hard concept to understand, but it's not a black mark against you.  It's just the way I am.  And to be perfectly honest, if I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't come back for more.  Because I always remember when it's bad, which is not something I ever worry about with you.

Yes, I am like a guy when it comes to sex, sometimes I'm worse than a guy.  But there are ways around that.  If you're not done and I say I am, work on me.  You just might find out that when I get like that, that you like it.  By that time, my brain has really shut off and my inhibitions tend to be gone.  It's probably the best time to pull her out.  We'll talk more about that later, when we're all ready.

I thought yesterday was a blah day.  Today is even worse.  I can hardly keep my eyes open.  All I've been doing is sneezing.  I think I'm catching a cold again.  If Brent wasn't possibly coming over for dinner, I would go straight home after work and go to sleep.  I've decided that I'm giving up going out to lunch for lent.  It's not that I go that often, but I really do need to stop spending so much money on food.  I might also give up beer and alcohol, but then again, maybe not.  That would be the best way for me to save some money.  Maybe instead of giving it up, I'll just start setting myself a daily/weekly limit of how much I can spend.  Kind of like you did with the BullDog.  Then I'll just spend that money on yarn.  I know my stash is already big, but I keep using it and I'm going to need to replenish it at some point.

I plan on resting over the next couple of days.  I'm not going out tonight or tomorrow and depending on what happens Friday, I may not go out then either.  Saturday I have the option of going to Endymion, but I really don't think I'm going to go.  That means I will have the house to myself for at least 8 hours.  Mom and Dad are going with Scott and Anna and Carol and Rebecca and some of her college friends to Murphy's house.  Well we all know how I feel about Murphy and I have so much shit to do anyway that I don't need to play around that much this weekend.  I know I'm off on Tuesday for Mardi Gras, but I'm not going to get anything done but cooking and maybe a little drinking with you, like we usually do?  I don't know we'll see.

For now, I'm signing out.  I feel like crap.  My tummy hurts and all I want to do is curl up in bed...with you...clothing optional.