Like you asked/suggested, I downloaded the Podcasts of Fetish Flame. I don't know if it was a good idea or not. I can only listed to them in small doses as Nova annoys the shit out of me and because I can't let too much of her out of the bag. She's very interested in what they have to say and what they're exploring, but if she gets too excited, it will end badly for us all.
I know you want to know what's going on inside my head and this is an easy way for you to see it, but it scares me because I don't get any feedback from you. I feel like this is all one sided. You read and analyze but then instead of asking me about things, you pull a knee-jerk reaction and we both end up angry. I'm not saying I'm going to stop. My therapist says it's good for me to do this. Get things out in the open and not internalize them, but it would be nice to get some feedback. I also don't feel like I need to write everyday. There are going to be days where I don't have a hell of a lot to say. Doesn't mean I'm slipping, it just means I'm not in a talkative mood. Whatever I want to say will come out, just not necessarily at the exact moment you want it to.
The past couple of days, I've been sick. It's just a head cold, but it's really knocked me on my ass. I didn't even want Brent to come over for dinner on Wednesday, but I would never have told him that. It probably would have hurt his feelings. I really just wanted to go home and put on my pyjamas, but instead, I put on jeans and ate dinner and socialized like normal people do. As soon as he left though, it was yoga pants and Nyquil and straight to bed. I slept straight throught until 7:15am when I realized I had to get up to go to work. I hate taking Nyquil because it just sends me off into LaLa Land and it's hard for me to snap out of it. Karen said I should have stayed home yesterday, but the problem with that lies in...I wouldn't have gotten any rest...I wouldn't have had the house to myself. So I stayed at work all day. I actually wound up working late. Of course, it didn't help that I came in late. But as soon as I got home, I changed into my pyjamas. It was nice to lounge around the house. I watched "The Vampire Diaries" and ate a little dinner and knitted some, but by 9pm, I was wiped out, so I took some more Nyquil and went to bed. I woke up to your text message at 10:15pm and went straight back to sleep.
I woke up sometime between 2am and 4am after the Nyquil had worn off. When I looked outside, I thought, "Oh shit, it's snowing," because everything was white, but then I realized that it was just the way the lights were reflecting off of the rain. Apparently it rained pretty good last night and I slept through most if not all of it. It's been nasty and cold and wet today. Denise said that it was sleeting about two hours ago, but since I'm inside all nice and warm, I never went out to find out. It sleeted yesterday and I got to watch it bounce off the cars.
I got my first paycheck stub with my raise on it. I'm only making about $50 more a paycheck, but I'm not complaining one bit about that. I already know what I'm going to do with that money this week. I'm going to buy yarn for my Ravelry Scarf Exchange. The woman that I'm exchanging with lives in Altoona, PA and loves the color green, so I thought I would buy a couple of different colors of green yarn, maybe even some different textures and fibers and make her a nice granny square scarf. I really need to get cracking on my shawl for the Shawl Exchange, since that needs to be shipped out in a little over a month. This weekend I'm probably going to go to Whole Foods and World Market to get some stuff to put in the packages. I need to quit signing up for these damn exchanges. I'm going to end up with more yarn than I know what to do with and over extending myself. Right now, I have the Scarf Exchange (due in April), the Shawl Exchange (due in March) and a Hat Exchange (due in March). I better get cracking. I'm also working on the learning to knit thing. I'm almost done my first knt scarf. The next thing I'm going to work on is a pair of Fingerless Gloves for Satan. I found a really easy knit pattern. One day I would love to be able to do cables and things like that. Practice makes perfect, right?
Mom wants me to go to the after hours clinic and tell them that I have a sinus infection so that they will give a magic shot of cortizone to make me feel better. I told her that was stupid because it's a virus not an infection and if I tell them I have a sinus infection, they're going to give me anitbiotics and I don't want to take them if I don't need them. She just wants me to get a shot so that I will want to come with them tomorrow. What she doesn't realize is that even if I was feeling better, I wouldn't want to come to the parade with them. I don't want to spend all day with Scott, Alyssa, Anna, Carol and whoever else they may bring. I actually want some me time (and maybe some you time, if you're so inclined).
I keep dosing myself up with Sudafed, Aspirin and Cough Medicine so that I don't feel like crap. As soon as they wear off, I just want to go crawl in bed and sleep for a month. The cough medicine tastes horrible. It's not the liquid, it's the pill/Mucinex form. It almost makes me want to puke, but I take it dutifully. If they weren't having 3 parades tonight, I might think about coming to have a drink, but I don't want to have to deal with the crowd, although with the weather, I'm not sure how many people are actually going to want to come out to watch a Mardi Gras parade. So we'll see what happens. If you're working, I may come out for a minute, just to get a hug and a kiss, but I won't be staying out long.
Earlier, I was craving Chinese, especially Wonton Soup, from 5 Happiness, but now I really want a hamburger and some french fries. I guess it's a good thing that I'm hungry, that my appetite is returning. I've already eaten a bag of chips and some carrot and celery sticks, but my stomach is still growling.
I forgot that I actually did something last night that I haven't done in a while for fear that she might come out and try to take over. I had a little bit of fun with my toys. It's not that I had forgotten how good it feels, but it made me realize that I do let my mind go blank and just revel in the sensation of it. I actually tried to fantasize last night. I got about half-way there and was unable to form a cohesive thought. So it's a distinct possibility that I don't remember exact actions, but that I do remember ejoying the sensations. It's something you'll just have to get used to. Or you'll have to work with me on remember what happens. Either way, I'm OK with it.
I don't want anyone to mistake these posts for a subsitute for real face to face conversations. I know I'm much better with the written word than I am with the spoken word. It doesn't mean that I need to be cut off from social situations. Conflicts can't be worked out unless there is communication. I know I haven't been communicating lately, but then again, neither have you. And yes, there are going to be times when I'm going to talk over you and you're going to feel like your answer should be yes or no, but it shouldn't. If your opinion or recollection varies from mine, you need to tell me about it. Yes, in the end, we may agree to disagree, but at least everything will be out in the open and neither one of us will be holding something in or holding back from each other.
I go to the doctor again in a few days...my appointment is after Mardi Gras. I wonder what he'll have to say this time. I have a feeling it's not going to be very good news. After him telling me last month that my hormones are all screwed up and me telling him that my period's been all screwed up... I just hope it's not something serious. He did say that I would probably have to be on Birth Control forever, which doesn't really bother me since I don't want to have kids. Now that I look back at the "symptoms," it's almost like I'm going through early menopause. Mood swings, hot flashes, irregular periods. Great just what I needed. I'm already the spinster at the bar. But I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. I'm going to wait to see what he has to say.
Sunday is Valetine's Day. I've always hated that day. Why should there be one day a year when you show someone you love them? If you love them, shouldn't you do little things for them throughout the year, just because? I'm going to be a hypocrite though and say I'd really like to get some flowers or something. I know I won't but it would be nice. I haven't gotten flowers from anyone in a long time. I miss the days of flowers and presents and things just because.
If you decide to go out tonight, please tell the gang hello for me. If they ask, just tell them I'm sick. If you have to work, let me know.
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