A Week's Worth of E-Mails

So you claim that you haven't gotten any of my e-mails.  Here they are.  Posted for all the world to see.

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Sent: February 25th
Subject: Dr.'s Results

I went Monday and he did an ultra sound. He found something, but he wasn't sure about it because it was the heaviest day of my period. So I went back yesterday. He did another ultra sound and basically saw the same thing he saw on Monday.


I don't know if you want the gory details or not...

The basic answer is that my fallopian tubes are blocked by endometrial tissue, which means that I have endometriosis. He doesn't know how severe it is because in order to find that out I would have to have laproscopic surgery. He told me that if the only symptoms I'm having are a wonky period and a heavy flow, he doesn't see a reason to do that. The birth control is not only to regulate my hormones, but should also slow the growth of the extra tissue. The things that I have to do to help are 1) stop smoking, 2) drink more red wine (?) and 3) take better care of my self (get more sleep, eat healthier, watch my stress level). He also said that exercise should help, so I will probably start walking again next week, and if you'd like working out with you on the weekends.

I go back again in 6 months for a follow up. Worst case senario is that I will have to have a hysterectomty, but that's only if the above measures don't work.

We'll see what happens. That's basically the answer. Nothing major, very common, controllable.

So yeah. As far as the rest...it will all work out. Everything happens for a reason. I'm here for moral support and anything else you need.

Love you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sent: February 25th
Subject: Joe's

Artist Jonathan said thank you for letting him pick up your shift tonight because now he can pay his bills. Apparently he was going to be about $20 short.


Carol and Corbett said to tell you hello.

And I have nothing to say.
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Sent: February 25th
Subject: Respect
 
When you're ready to treat me with respect and talk to me and tell me the truth, I'll be willing to listen. Right now, you're treating me like shit and I don't appreciate it
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Sent: February 26th
Subject: Questions & Answers
 
If you want to ask me a question, ask. I will answer honestly. I've never lied to you. I don't know why you think I would.


I don't know what's going on with you. Over the last few weeks, you've shut me out. Completely. I haven't been able to get in. Unfortunately, I'm letting my anger get the better part of me and instead of thinking about this rationally, I'm really considering putting up that wall you've been waiting for. But I know that won't do either one of us any good.

Talk to me. I'm worried about you. I don't know how to handle you or help you for that matter. I don't know what you want from me.

Am I angry? Yes, extremely. Can I get over it? Well that depends on you.

I'm tired of being in limbo. I want to work on us, but I can't do it alone.
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My Final Thoughts:
 
Fuck you.  You've shut me out, just like you claimed I always did.  I'm the one who's actively trying to better myself.  I'm tired of hearing you say "Sorry."  Don't be sorry, be better.  I have offered my help, but you're fucking macho pride won't let you take it.  I have offered to be an ear for you to listen to, but you won't let me.  I told you before "Don't shut me out."  Well you've done a mighty fine job.
 
I refuse to chase you anymore.  I'm not going anywhere and I'm not looking for anything.  When you're ready to talk, let me know.  I'll be here.  I can't believe I'm fighting so hard to keep someone in my life, who over the last month, has decided they don't want me around.  I'm starting to think you don't even want to be seen with me.  You've got this warped double standard.  I'm expected to open up and tell you every little fucking thing that comes into my mind, and yet, you can't do the same for me.  Fuck you.
 
You're going home?  Fine.  Instead of bettering your situation and trying to make it liveable, you're giving up.  You're stronger than that.  I'm angry with you for that.  I thought you were a bigger person.  I've wanted to give up so many times, but you've always been there pushing me to make changes.  You're nothing but a fucking pussy hypocrite.  Hades was a weakling.  He preyed on the weak.  It was his favorite past-time.  Hell, he even had to steal a wife.  He was a miserable god.  Fitting because that's what you are.  Miserable.
 
Yes, I will continue to do the things I said I would.  I will continue with the therapy.  I will continue with the exercise.  I will make myself better.  I will take care of myself.  It's too fucking bad you can't do the same.  I will continue to blog.  At least that way you can check up on me.  For someone who claims to care so much, you have an odd way of showing it.  
 
The only thing you've managed to do is piss me off.  I desperately want to put up that wall that you've been trying so hard to tear down.  I want to walk out of your life and tell you to go fuck yourself.  But I won't.  I won't bring myself down to your level.  I will be the bigger man.  Funny how I'm the one with all the balls, isn't it?
 
When you're ready, you find me.  In the meantime, I'm going to go about living my life and making myself better.